Posts Tagged ‘Hope’

The Seraphs Advice.

January 2, 2012 32 comments

The weather forecast had it that it would be sunny throughout the season but little did the man in my head know, My heart was filled with despondency and wretchedness. Every human has a spot that is flimsy, we all can’t reserve our failure or pain.  This was not what worried me, the strange thing was I kept on exhibiting it for the world to see. I had given up any hope of making castles in the air, I had given up the hope of being capable, I had accepted the fact I was always going to be inferior in other people’s eyes and I had also accepted the fact that I’ll always let myself down. There it was, My life summed up and ready to end but before I could take another step towards the edge of my window and drown myself 38 floors down to the ground, I heard someone speak to me. A voice I had never before encountered, A force I never believed in, A sign I never thought I’d be blessed enough to witness. There was no one there but I could hear the illuminations. I stepped back, Wiped the tears of my eyes and reached deep inside my pocket. I took out my wallet and there it was, right outside on the leather, in golden engraved writing it said “You’ve got to earn what you already deserve”.

For three days, I didn’t leave my room, The window pane was still open and I could hear a million voices but not the one I was looking for. Resting my head against the broken table, I cleared the blood over my arms and stood up. I looked around at all the pictures hanging over my walls, my friends, my family, Paris and Genoa, Argentina and Hawaii, my graduation, my birthdays, my first car and my very first job as a window cleaner – Don’t get me wrong, I was smiling 157 stories high holding a bottle of doctor clean my window. Suddenly, I had gone into a place of deep serenity. For the first time in 16 months, I smiled at myself as I ran towards the mirror. Looked at myself, I kept on staring at that mirror for 25 minutes. Just when I was about to look away, the mirror shined a magical beam straight into my eyes, I dropped to the ground for a few seconds and got back up again. It was scary and heart throbbing, I looked at the mirror again and it was all foggy as if someone had breathed into the glass. I was petrified but I’ve never been afraid, I was a soldier fighting my own wars after all. I had no idea what was going on but all at once, I felt strong as I tightened my fist and twisted it in circles back and forth to try and see the blood flow through my veins. It’s hard to explain that reaction but in simple words – Someone or something had just breathed life into me. Engrossed in my thoughts, I went to the sink to pour myself a glass of water. As I slowly stepped towards the kitchen, I saw a magnet on the fridge, I never used to put any magnets on my fridge because I wasn’t their biggest fan. I leisurely approached it, The magnet fell to the ground and I was shocked. Hastily, I picked it up. It was just plain black with a picture of The Amazon River in front. I turned it around and there it was, the very same writing. This time it said “Your time to live”.

As much as I was shocked and petrified, I felt like a new person. The past 65 hours had somehow managed to put me back on my feet again. I could feel the strength bursting through my body. My facial expressions had completely changed, I went towards the window and had a look outside, My suicide note was still lying there beneath the glass of wine. It sent chills down my spine and I wondered “How could I have written this”? I picked the paper up, kept it folded and burnt it. I blew the remains away out the window and glared at my watch. For some bizarre reason I wasn’t afraid anymore, I knew this couldn’t be the work of a friendly ghost because grandpa always said “Casper is just a cartoon”. That day, I got back to nourishing myself. I cleaned up the whole apartment, Took a shower and put on the clothes I had been given by mum last Christmas. I had locked them away at the back of my cupboard because the cardigan was orange, the jeans were black and the tie had honey bee’s on it but for ones judgement, I had never felt this comfortable with any other piece of clothing before. I sat on the couch sipping on a nice hot cup of tea, I picked up a piece of paper and wrote a few lines without even thinking. The last line I wrote said “Nothing is fair, What may happen to us may happen to us, What may never may never but now I will live forever and ever and ever”.

We all have been blessed by the greatest gift of God that being life itself. Yes, we may have our differences and our enemies, we may feel awkward at places but we all have been promised by God Himself, His love. We all have been given an opportunity to make something out of this. Let nothing put you away from what you believe in. Let nothing shatter your dreams and let nothing come in between yourself and you. Once again, I laughed. I called everyone I knew and told them how much I loved them. I even danced to a Lady Gaga song in front of my stereo. Sigh, I was a happy man. I had got my confidence back, I was motivated, I promised myself to earn what I deserve and to live my life at the same time. No person, No being, No force can put me down, I will be strong to reach out towards the sky to grasp onto my aspirations. I will be loved as long as I live and to ensure love after death is all up to me, I’ll make it through. Whatever happened these past days, I didn’t have a clue but I knew, there was someone looking down on me and looking out for me. I was blessed with The Seraphs Advice.